On a Monday in a month called June, I was given a critical life choice: watch Transformers: The Last Knight, or do anything else that would make me not hate myself. For once, I chose not to subject myself to a movie I knew I would hate–after all, the fourth film was 2.5 hours of awfulness that literally gave me a raging headache, and Michael Bay and his team of yes-men have given no indication they intend to create a quality product anytime soon.
So while I feasted on fine Italian food and drank beer, I chuckled in maniacal delight, knowing that my fellow Seattle-based critics were sitting in some dark theater, the doors barred from the outside, suffering the worst kinds of punishment. So instead of writing a review, I share with you snippets of these poor bastards’ review, all of whom gave Transformers: The Last Knight the equivalent of a big, stinking “F.”
“While the visuals are as spectacular as any the series has so far delivered, this fifth chapter is so laughably inconsequential sitting there watching it is like being given the middle finger for a full 149 minutes while a maniacal madman cackles loudly somewhere off in a far corner. I’d almost go so far as to say this movie is mocking those choosing to see it, the level of disdain haphazardly tossed the audience’s way staggering.”
-Sara Michelle Feters, MovieFreak
“Enduring Transformers: The Last Knight – enduring being the only appropriate way to describe consuming this living migraine – is tantamount to torture. Michael Bay’s fifth Transformers ‘movie’ not only has the honor of being the worst movie of the year, it is a legitimate contender for one of the worst films ever made. Avoid at all costs.”
-Matt Oakes, Silver Screen Riot
“Belligerently barreling in to summer blockbuster season, Transformers: The Last Knight is the tone-deaf cinematic equivalent of someone mercilessly beating you with a pillow sack full of unopened soda cans.”
–Brian the Movie Guy
“Completely unwatchable. I had no idea it was possible to be this bored while watching a blockbuster action movie.”
–That Guy Named John
“Transformers: The Last Knight is a boring mess of a film. The movie doesn’t do anything but double down on things people hated in previous films. The 2 1/2 hour runtime fells like 5 hours. The action is too frantic to follow, and the scenes that aren’t stuffed with explosions and CGI aren’t very interesting. It’s more pointless plot that’s populated by even more pointless characters. The franchise may have died years ago, but this is the final nail in the coffin.”
-Tim Hall, Seattle P.I.
“In my notes, I scribbled the description, “Asshole fever dream,” and that’s not entirely inaccurate. It’s complete and utter nonsense—flashes of inspired nonsense, though the bulk is just run-of-the-mill nonsense nonsense.”
-Brent McKnight, The Last Thing I See
Review by Erik Samdahl unless otherwise indicated.